Sonntag, 29. März 2015


It is raining outside. All i did this weekend was washing and cleaning it feels.

I do not get my words right at the moment. The letters jumble around. Sometimes without being recognized by me that they played with me.

I slept a lot.

Freitag, 20. März 2015


Today I wrote again a part of my exam I failed last time.
I do not know if it was enough and I will get the results in some weeks time.
So now I will enjoy waiting.

Donnerstag, 19. März 2015

About books

You perhaps know allready that I like to read. I love the smell of books fresh from the press. Being the first to open and read them.

There are two books that got me in the last months. Not because they were so beautiful and fun to read. No, because they catched a part of my soul that needed to hear their words.

These are the:

Kriegsenkel by Sabine Bode

Nebelkinder by Michael Schneider and Joachim Süss

Why these books?

They describe the war and problems that come for the generation after the war. I am a child of the first generation after the WW II. My parents were refugees as childs, half orphans. And I wondered if there might be a possibility to understand why they behaved like they did.

You perhaps think that all parents behave in a way crazy when you look at them as a kid. That is totally normal and you are right. Well, it just gets to becomes a problem when you know that you can not get on in your life like you want. There is something that gets you in a backloop alltimes.

Here are some of the things that get me in a backloop very often:

You have to please people. What you want and think does not matter. You have to do everything to please the people around you for all costs. Saying no is no option.

What you feel is wrong. You do not know your feelings. Everybody else knows better than you what is right in this situation.

You do not need borders. When anybody decides to get over something you call a border they are right not you. You do not know anything.

So you see - I am the best friend you can wish for - or not?

Samstag, 14. März 2015

I am thankful for...

... my teacher who gave me a chance to learn sewing, silkpainting and much more at school - after our regular lessons a lovely bunch of people shared tea and cake and worked together once - or more often twice - a week under the roof of my school.

And it now nearly one year since I started to wear nearly daily a pair of trousers I have made myself.
You may ask why - trousers can be purchased for little money in shops and I have to say that you are right.

Well, not the pair of trousers I make for sure. I love bolt prints and I am a bit on the bigger side and not very long.

So I fit well in pattern for big japanese girls. And they are really easy to make.

I love this book a lot for sewing for myself:

And I love buying wax fabric at vlisco. It is not cheap, but the colours are bolt, it is 100% cotton and produced in Europe. And wax fabric has one really cool thing - it looks nearly the same on both sides of the fabric.

Freitag, 13. März 2015


Today it is cold like winter, but the sun is shining.

I cleaned out a bit of our cellar. You know procrastinating...
It was good to get some things away I have not used for ages.

Why is it more easy to get rid of old clothes etc than to get rid of old stories?

I visited yesterday a site about "Kriegsenkel" - I am happy there is a space now.
My parents were both refugees as childs and half orphans and I never got it why I was alltimes behaving wrong according to them. Everything I felt or experienced did not matter to them.

I had to behave in the right way to make my parents happy. I had all the possibilies to do everything right - it would just have been great when anybody whould have told me what the script was I had to act after. And hey, how great is it when your parents just love the actress and not you, their child?

Today I get it that they were behaving like this  coz of the traumas they got during war and fleeing west. Being a refugee must be hard.

Well, being a child of refugees is hard, too. I had material wealth, got a good education and went to university (hard, ehh). But equal what I did -  I was not good enough according to my parents.
And I have to accept that I will never be good enough for my parents.

I can not get rid of the old stories, but I can accept that they happened. I am still angry a lot of my inner child that it had to experience these things. What makes it easier for me is that I am not the only one. A lot of other children of refugees had similar experiences.

Mittwoch, 11. März 2015

I want to run away

Do you know this feeling?

Just wanna to leave everything behind?

I know it would not help, I would take the problems with me, but it is a nice thought nonetheless...

I do not do enough for my exams - I can hardly sit down and do two or three problems each day.

I know it is not enough, but fleeing into my bed to sleep like my usual coping strategy will not help I guess. Exam day will come soon.


Dienstag, 10. März 2015


Sunshine and rain, new plants outside.

I planted some violets and an agave on my front porch.
The agave is able to resist temperatures until - 15 °C.

When the sun was out I decided to get my backyard free of the last leaves from last year.
It takes each spring several attemps to get the leaves out.
Some plants in the backyard did not survive the winter or were eaten.
Otherwise there was a lot of colour - I love spring!

Donnerstag, 5. März 2015


I feel better.

I asked for one more week of holidays before my exams and got it.

It is part of my usual holidays and I will have less time for travel, but what the heck.

And I got nice mail today - new fabrics and art.